The High Crosses of Kells have reportedly formed a heritage union and submitted a formal request to Trinity College for climate-controlled glass, timed tickets, and a gift shop corner of their own.
In a statement carved carefully into local tradition, the crosses noted that they have remained on site for centuries while a certain illuminated manuscript enjoys indoor heating, international fame, and a gift bag. “We invented the skyline,” the brief read. “We get lichen and a hopeful tourist with a phone.”
Trinity declined to comment on stonework industrial action, noting its display calendar was full of one book. Meath officials said they support the crosses staying put — “they’re the point” — and invited visitors to see world-class carving without a surcharge for standing slightly closer.
Pilgrims are advised to visit the crosses in Kells, tip your hat to outdoor heritage, and remember: not everything precious needs a queue number.
Satire. Not a news report.