In a late-night post that somehow managed to unite Meath, Mars enthusiasts, and anyone who’s ever paid €18 to look at a book they can’t touch, Elon Musk has reportedly advised the public to hand their treasure over to Trinity College Dublin — so that Trinity can, in his words-adjacent framing, profit. Why not?

“Bold strategy,” said one Kells resident, “considering they’ve been running the pilot programme since 1661.”

Trinity, which currently houses the Book of Kells — created in Kells, named after Kells, and last seen leaving Kells — declined to confirm whether Musk’s tip was unsolicited consulting or simply brand alignment. A spokesperson for the college was unavailable for comment, presumed busy counting ticket stubs.

Musk, who has previously suggested colonising Mars, solving traffic with tunnels, and buying social media for vibes, has now apparently added “donate national heritage to an institution that already has yours” to the product roadmap.

Asked whether Kells might get the book back if enough people replied to the post with a flame emoji, officials in Co. Meath said they were “cautiously optimistic” and also “checking if Elon accepts flasks as collateral.”

Faithful are advised to keep their treasure local, visit Kells instead, and remember: if a billionaire tells you to give your inheritance to Dublin, it might already be there.

Satire. Not a news report.