In a statement that left half of Meath checking Google Maps and the other half checking their faith, parish organisers have confirmed that Sunday morning Masses for Kells will take place in Balbriggan going forward.
“It’s only about fifty minutes if you leave after the bus is gone and stick out the thumb, and don’t go near the M1,” Figgeey was heard saying, already packing a flask, a raincoat, and a mild sense of pilgrimage.
Saturday evening Masses, meanwhile, will continue at Cavan Equestrian Centre, a venue parishioners describe as “surprisingly reverent once you get past the smell.” Officials stressed that the horses will not be taking Communion, though several have been spotted genuflecting during the Gospel.
When asked why Kells Mass couldn’t simply be held in Kells, a spokesperson gestured vaguely toward “logistics,” “the diaspora,” and “a very good deal on the arena,” sure haven’t we enough to be doing with the tidy towns and all them things, before mounting a horse and riding toward Balbriggan for Sunday’s early slot.
Faithful are advised to arrive early, bring patience, and remember that the early Irish saints also walked ridiculous distances — just usually without the thumbs-up.
Satire. Not a news report.