Trinity College Dublin has unveiled its newest ticket for the Book of Kells, the "Look Slightly Longer" pass. It entitles the holder to stand at the glass for three extra seconds before a polite cough is heard from behind.
The premium tier joins an already crowded ticket range. That range includes timed entry, guided entry, low-sensory entry and, according to people who've tried to buy one, a mystery tier that appears only after you've already paid for the cheaper one.
"Visitors told us the experience felt rushed," a Trinity spokesperson said, "so we listened, and we priced it."
Holders of the new pass get a souvenir lanyard reading I LOOKED SLIGHTLY LONGER, access to a priority lane that leads back to the regular lane, and a laminated card explaining that the page they wanted to see was turned last Tuesday.
Add-ons are available. Blinking is charged separately at the turnstile. A "Lean In" upgrade lets visitors bring their nose within the approved distance of the case, and the top-tier "Kells Heritage Supplement" lets you say the word "Kells" out loud in the Treasury without being looked at.
In Kells itself, where the Book was made and where nobody has ever been charged to say the town's name, reaction was muted. "We'd pay to look at it for as long as we like," one local said, "if they'd just bring it the 69 km home."
Trinity confirmed that a "Return Home" ticket option is not currently available, but said the button would remain on the machine, greyed out, "for heritage reasons".
The pass, the add-ons and the spokesperson are invented. The 69 km is real, and so is the Book.