A small delegation from Kells arrived at a Trinity College Dublin lost property counter on Friday to collect one (1) illuminated gospel book, handed in for safekeeping in 1653 and not collected since.
They were met by a brass bell, a laminated notice and, eventually, a Trinity spokesperson.
"We can certainly release any item to its owner," the spokesperson said, "on production of the original docket, two forms of ID dated no later than the seventeenth century, and a description of the item that doesn't just say 'the Book of Kells', because that's what everyone says."
The delegation pointed out that the item has the name of the town written on it. Trinity said that was "exactly what someone who wanted it would say."
Under lost property policy, items not collected within a reasonable period may be kept, displayed, put on a tea towel, or moved to a different room on the same campus. Trinity confirmed the reasonable period was set at "about 370 years, give or take" and had "just about elapsed".
The delegation was offered a free umbrella from a box behind the counter, a single glove, and a timed-entry slot to view the item it had come to collect, at the standard rate.
Kells has since filed a formal claim form, in triplicate, on which the box marked "Reason for Collection" simply reads: "It's ours. It's 69 km. We'll bring the van."
Trinity said the claim would be dealt with in the order it was received, behind the next 370 years of claims.
The counter, the docket and the spokesperson are invented. 1653 is real, the 69 km is real, and so is the Book.